After my husband died it took a while for me to start living again.  I was in survival mode for at least the first year, maybe even the second or third.  I had so many expectations of the life that I was going to have and in an instant it all changed.  

Once I was able to get out of survival mode and into living mode I decided that I was going to move forward.  I’ve heard many people use the term Move On but for me moving on sounds is as if the past never existed or that it was a negative time.  It was negative moment in time that occurred in my life - the day Jeff died.  I often think if I could go back in time and change the past, would I have done the same?  Every time it is yes.  Yes, I would have met Jeff on the blind date that my mom, yes my mom, set up.  I would have endured the emotional pain to enjoy the dance.

My short time with Jeff was a positive time in my life so I consider myself moving forward.  I still have a few pictures of us around the house but most are put away.  I also say that I’m moving forward because there are days I feel as if I took a step backwards.  There are days I still miss him as if it were yesterday since I’ve seen him and then there are days when I don't have a thought of him.

This past Saturday I took a test for my teaching certification.  I did terrible.  I ran out of time and didn’t complete three of the short answer questions.  I drove home feeling dejected, questioning my abilities to become a teacher, and wanting to hear Jeff tell me it is going to be okay.

Can I say that my thought process and thinking is healthy?  No, as I’m not a counselor, therapist or any other expert in the area.  Yet for me it works.  The days that I simply miss being a part of a couple and not part of Jeff and Vickie, I realize I’m moving forward.  Thankfully these are more and more often.