Joy, passion, great sex: when a couple heads into marriage, this is what they have in mind. Of course they want their relationship to last—but without losing a shred of that initial high from when they first met, began courting, and fell in love. But people change. Relationships change. Some couples’ bonds deepen and relationships flourish over time; other partnerships don’t fare as well. When our relationships lose intimacy—as many of us fear they will—is the love lost forever or just temporarily misplaced?
As a marriage and family therapist in practice for 40 years (and married for nearly 35), one thing I’ve learned is that even stellar relationships lose their spark over time. I help people understand how to weatherproof their relationships for the long run.

Research shows that modern couples are looking for a partnership that’s “interesting.” They want partners who enhance their lives and with whom they can grow over time. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. at Monmouth University in New Jersey talks about “self-expansion”: how people learn about themselves from their relationships. His research demonstrates that as self-expansion increases, so do commitment and relationship satisfaction. In expansive partnerships, he argues, couples don’t lose themselves in the marriage—they grow in it. Behaviors and character traits that had previously not been a part of their identity become essential to how they experience life.

UCLA’s Family Studies Center researched 1,500 couples who had been together for five or more years and who acknowledged having a strong, close, deeply committed bond. The couples revealed six common characteristics:

1. There was a physical attraction between them.
2. They were in the relationship out of clear choice rather than out of obligation or fear of being alone.
3. They shared fundamental values, beliefs, interests, and goals.
4. They were able to express anger clearly and directly and they resolved differences through communication and compromise.
5. They experienced laughter, fun, pleasure, and play with each other.
6. They were able to express support for each other and support each other’s activities, interests, and careers.

Read more from the Good Men Project here.